I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
