My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
