shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
