The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
