Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
