This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
