No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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