May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
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