I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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