You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
