my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Randomize
