last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
