Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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