Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
