finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I just found a bag of teeth...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
