I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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