Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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