She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
