I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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