I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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