i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
