My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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