I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I am midnight drunk by noon
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
It's official drugs can't kill me
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
