He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
