he shaved USA in his pubs
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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