I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
