why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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