I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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