I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
