Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
