RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Randomize
