I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize