I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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