He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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