I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
