please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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