when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You need Xanax blowdarts
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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