Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Life without a bra equals bliss.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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