toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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