new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
