never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
