is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
