we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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