my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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