Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize