The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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