I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
