I wish life had little blips of pornography
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
