Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
