you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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