allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
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