you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
