apparently the secret to your success is patron
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
